MaryJanice Davidson is a proud Cumberbimbo!

 I AM A PROUD CUMBERBIMBO

by

MaryJanice Davidson, ‘Proud Cumberbimbo’

***

I love England.  Great Britain, I mean.  Um, that place on the other side of the ocean that isn’t America.  No, not Australia.  (Though I think Australia’s terrific, too.)  I love it for reasons any sane, right-thinking individual loves it:  the Tudors (the actual family, not the Showtime show), high tea, low tea, universal health care, crisps, chips, the currency, the accents, their tolerance of Americans, Benedict Cumberbatch.

Yeah.  Benedict Cumberbatch.  Or, as we say in Minnesota, oofta.  Because the man is the sexiest weird-looking guy since Matt Smith.  (Mr. Smith has a box for a head.  I’m sorry.  You know it’s true.)

Come on.  You’ve noticed.  My sweet, sweet Benedict is not conventionally attractive.  He’s not conventionally anything.  Google “Benedict Cumberbatch” and “otter” and then tell me I’m wrong.  (“You’re wrong.”  “Shut up.”)

From the top of his thick, dyed dark hair (under which, he’s a natural redhead!  Zow!) to the bottom of his size whatever feet (who cares?  I’ve never been into feet.  I’m not sure he has feet), and everything in between, he’s weirdly hot.

And that neck.  At casual glance, it looks about twenty inches long.  (I’m a freakish six feet tall myself, and I write about vampires.  So I think about necks and legs.  And Benedict is 45% neck and 55% legs.)

And the voice.  Sweet Mother of God, the voice.  It’s been described as a jaguar trapped in a cello.  If anything, that’s underselling it.  Like Americans aren’t a sucker for a posh accent anyway?  (We are.  We’re accent whores.  It’s disgusting.  We’re disgusting.)  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  oofta.  Gotta love a guy who plays a dragon, and they barely have to fiddle with his actual voice to make him sound like a sexy, smoky dragon.

Which reminds me, he even makes smoking look hot.  And it’s not!  Health issues aside, the smell and the nicotine stains aside, the tiny burns all over various outfits aside, my dad smoked for thirty-some years.  No one grows up watching their dad smoke and thinks, “Day-amn!  That is hot!”  But Benedict pulls it off.

And the talent.  All of the above would be terrific on its own, but the guy has severe acting chops.  He’s like Gary Oldman; he sort of disappears into his roles.  He’s been Van Gogh and a dragon and a genetically manipulated warlord and Sherlock Holmes and Stephen Hawking and Frankenstein and Hamlet.  It’s a good thing I’ve got a crush on the man, or I’d probably want to kill him.  It’s pretty unfair; he’s the whole package.  The whole smoking long-legged talented deep-voiced redheaded package.

Even when he’s playing a complete douchelord (see:  Atonement, Star Trek) you can’t take your eyes off him.  Proof of my devotion:  I was into him waaay before the world suddenly decided he was delicious.  BBC’s Sherlock did it for me.  (Oh, man, did Sherlock do it for me.  Also I might obsessively read Sherlock fan fic.  Don’t judge.)  I essentially went from, “So many channels and nothing on, maybe I’ll bake something inst—oh my God who is that?”

After gorging on Sherlock’s first two seasons, and brownies, I started tracking down his body.  Of work, I mean, his body of work.  (Awesome thing #232 about being a writer: this counts as research.  It counts as work, even!)  Atonement, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Amazing Grace, etc., a lovely list of “work”, all laid out nice and neat thanks to the good people at Wikipedia.

Then, the most wonderful news of my life (after “It’s a girl!” in 1995 and “It’s a boy!” in 1999, and “The bakery’s going to be open on Sundays now!” in 2011), my man Cumberbatch was going to be in Star Trek: Into Darkness.  And he was glorious, as I knew he would be.  The bulk!  The brain!  The lone tear tracking down a sculpted cheek as he talked about losing his people!  The bulk!  The trash-talking of Spock!  Listen:  I’ve been a Trekkie for decades.  My husband and I used to call in sick so we could see the earliest show whenever a new movie was out, that’s the measure of our geekiness, but if there were any characters besides Khan in Into Darkness, I didn’t notice.  (There was a captain, I guess, and that woman from The Losers, and the guy from Sean of the Dead, maybe?  Who cares.)

All this to say, I’m crushing on a man I’ve never met.  So much so that I dedicated my latest book, Undead and Unwary, to the magnificent son of a bitch.  (My husband is a very understanding man, to wit:  “Hey, if you think you can get him, go for it.  Maybe come back in time for our son’s graduation?”)  Why?  Because I have the best job in the world:  writing stories about fantastic things happening to ordinary people.  Because I’m lucky enough to have readers all over the world, and am determined to share with them the joys and sorrows of being a Cumberbimbo.  And because whenever a settled forty-something wife and mother feel like a teenager again, it’s worth noting, not least because reminders that unexpected thrills lurk are never a bad thing.

 

Undead and Unwary is out now on Entice! Benedict Cumberbatch is out now somewhere in the world! GO FIND BOTH!

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10 Responses to MaryJanice Davidson is a proud Cumberbimbo!

  1. Crystal Perry says:

    Such a great article–and it describes my feelings exactly. Thanks!

  2. Brandie May says:

    OMG, thank you soooo much for writing this. I am a cumberbimbo as well. That voice and those lips. Yummy… I think he’s a beautiful mess. Thank you again for writing and sharing this.

  3. eileen says:

    You are wonderful- funny, intelligent, articulate, silly, imaginative, and entertaining. Thank you.

  4. Gail Delaney says:

    Yes… yes… Oh, good lord, YES!

    I am a writer, and using Benedict as the inspiration for my current work. At first, I thought I was perhaps being too eloquent with the character. But then, I had the utmost pleasure of sitting in a panel at ComiCon in San Diego where Benedict appeared.

    The man is as eloquent and sexy in person, unscripted and unposed, as in any photo shoot or film. Good lordie… and that hair! Oh, wouldn’t I love to run my fingers through that hair.

    *sigh*

    back to real life, i suppose.

  5. Tracy says:

    I am right there with you. He is amazing! I once watched Star Trek Into Darkness everyday for about a week, just to see him in it.

  6. Sarah says:

    OMG, cried laughing while reading this! And it’s all true – every word. The man is a bonfire and I want to to be the unjustly accused pagan roasting over him. Is that weird? Whatever. Thankfully the token daughter and I see eye to eye on on the awesomeness of all things Benedict, so I have backup when the males of the house sneer at my crush. My favorite proof of his total amazingnessl is this youtube clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_ylchEHdUk. Of course it’s Britain so they’re Cumberb****es, but I can accept that 🙂

  7. Janet says:

    It’s so weird. I’ve been studying Benedict since I was asked to pretend cast who would play Enki in an upcoming movie that’s just in the discussion phase. I didn’t know who he was at the time but when I went to sleep that night I asked my higher guidance to provide an answer to my producer’s request. Then when I woke the next morning my guides said, “You need to get hat guy who played Khan in the last Star Trek movie for the role of Enki in the movie you’ll produce.” Say what? So I started researching his man, who I learned was named Benedict Cumberbatch (really, is that his name?). I had to laugh.

    But now I’m hooked. So I’m not a Cumberbitch. I’m far too old. I’m a Cumberbimbo? I’m 60. No, not a bimbo. Well my husband doesn’t think that. But this is also what’s strange is that hubby’s ok with my attraction, just like Mary Jane’s husband. So like her husband said, “Hey, if you think you can get him, go for it.”, my husband’s pretty kinky and would love a three way or something if Benedict would go agree. One can only hope.

    I haven’t seen a phenomenon like Benedict since the Beatles or Michael Jackson. He bridges the generations, goes beyond teeny boppers. I just hope he remains pure and doesn’t get jaded by all this attention and celebrity.

    And someday down the line, maybe my agent will contact his agent and Enki will come alive at the hands of the most incredible actor of this generation.

  8. Christina Alongi says:

    Good to see my mother doing something productive with her time.

    I’m serious. Where do you think I draw my love for Cumberbatch? (though I’m in my 20s and not married, so if he likes curly hair I have a shot. Whoo-hoo! Young naiveté and over-the-top optimism! Don’t tell me he’s currently dating. Shut up!) And more than that, he’s one of the few actors who are actually decent people (see this interview: http://www.benedictcumberbatch.co.uk/interviews/why-do-women-go-nuts-for-me-benedict-cumberbatch-on-his-weird-life-as-a-sex-symbol/).

    Also, hearing that BC was co-starring in Star Trek 2 was the best news in Mom’s life AFTER the birth of me and Liam? That’s a lie. Don’t deny it. (though I don’t doubt it’s 2nd after the bakery being open on Sundays)

    Now you have to do an article on all our other Hollywood boyfriends: Joseph Gorden-Levitt, Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, etc. 😛

  9. Monica says:

    That man even makes the Cat in the Hat sexy! (I am also a wife and mother of 4!)

  10. Asha Mc Pherson says:

    Oooh. awesome article and yes, the man spans generations and has a worldwide fanbase I am sure…well, he definitely has a fan in Trinidad (tiny island in the Caribbean just off Venezuela, making us the most southerly isle…go look in an atlas already!!)

    Anyway, the man is yummy and his voice is…DIVINE! Jaguar in a cello? Definitely. Chocolate timbred? Ohhhh yeah. Rough velvet whispering over your skin???? Hot damn! (That last one was mine by the way).

    I swear, if I were the Dragon from Shrek, I’d have left Donkey’s a** in a heartbeat to get with Smaug! (I’m crushing on a fricking dragon, go figure. Hmm. Annnd imagining that I’m a female cartoon one. Double hmm.)

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